I'm Kind Of An Oddball Guy

I've paid for sex three times.

Once I was new to the West Coast and with no friends and I made eye contact with a pretty junkie walking down my street. We started talking and she asked me for money, so I proposed a trade. She was up for it so we walked to the atm and in the street she let me feel her breasts for a few minutes. It was a letdown, but I felt slightly thrilled. She was hot but sort of gross.

Several years later, I came home from a family visit late one night and was feeling energetic so I went to rent some pornos. As I was leaving the store I picked up a free magazine of ads for escorts, and when I got home I called one. She told me it would cost $300 on the phone and I agreed. When she got to my apartment she took the money down to her companion waiting in the car. Then she came back and wouldn't have sex with me! I was pissed. She was conning me. She finally did a strip tease while I masturbated, then left. I felt totally pissed and sad/ashamed hateful of myself and her. I basically resolved never to deal with prostitutes again because that was so shitty. It also made me somewhat misogynistic in a way.

A few years later I was driving on a rural highway and saw a sexy hitchhiker. I had this weird feeling so I turned around and picked her up. We drove for a while and talked, she was cool. When we got to my turnoff she said she needed to go another twenty miles and she would give me money if I would drive her the rest of the way. Instead I suggested that she give me a hand job instead and I would drive her. She said ok but only a handjob which was fine with me. That was a fairly pleasant experience overall even though it seemed kind of scandalous to me at the time.

The first and third weren't really formal prostitutes, but it was prostitution right, so I include them.

As for why, I'm kind of a oddball guy, I don't go to bars, and I am introverted, somewhat shy. My family of origin was dysfunctional and abusive, and touching and intimacy were never something I saw nice examples of until basically my twenties. I have had a number of serious girlfriends, but I tend to go a few years between them with practically zero hookups in between. Like most guys, I get very horny, and want someone to hold and touch. I don't feel like it's a desperate desire to avoid loneliness. It mostly feels like out of boredom and desire for physical stimulation and release.

I don't feel any regret or guilt consciously about these acts, though I wouldn't want people to know either.

It is sort of sad, but I do think paying/trading for sex has been around forever and serves a function.

I think it would be better if it was legal and not as marginalized where abuse and violence enter into it.

I don't think humans have figured out a functional form of sexual relationships. Traditional gender roles seem useless and non-productive, and these are generally mirrored in sexual roles and representation. Of course, that is true in prostitution as well, but to me it seems fairly rational and straightforward, which is more respectful of the participants than the unconscious charade psychodrama that usually constitutes regular romantic sex.

I Am Very Reclusive

First, I am very reclusive and considered eccentric and odd by the few people I know. I don't drink or do drugs, I don't go out to bars and clubs, and never have. I grew up being picked on, insulted, beat up, laughed at by girls when I started asking them out, and was even made a fool at my high school prom by not only being stood up, but it being the focus of most everyone's entertainment while there, because of my condition, and other similar cruel behaviors from others, as I was diagnosed with a condition at the age of five that had gotten much worse as I got older (now managed with new drugs, and it's a genetic problem, not a virus or disease). Kids are brutal, and even grownups fear what they did not know. It leads you to avoid people, be alone, hide from them. Mix that with moving a lot as a kid, where you are always the "new kid in school," and it's hard. It's frustrating.

But about ten years ago, I was out on the West Coast and was out with some coworkers for lunch. They asked why I was not married with kids. Well, I gave them the long story about how I was kicked out of four different schools by teachers and school nurses who had no understanding of my condition, how kids picked on me for having to get special tutoring, as I would miss two days of school every week for doctor visits, and how it just made me develop into one who keeps to myself.

There was a woman there who overheard all this, and she asked me if she could ask me something in private. She asked about my condition. She understood it because she also had the same problem. She said we could arrange something. I was appalled, at first; however, she set some ground rules we both could live with. She was looking for a little help to make ends meet, and I could use some good company as a friend, as well as in the bed.

Simply put, twice a month during my year-long stay on the West Coast I had a guaranteed date. Someone to talk to, someone who wasn't afraid of sexual relations with me, someone who taught me a lot mentally and physically about women. Someone who was more than just a quick lay. She was also a friend. So, every time I was in town, I'd let her know, and we'd hook up. She was willing to do anything I wanted, as long as I helped her with her financial situation. It worked well for the short time I was there. And it felt great to go out with someone who was attractive, one of the beautiful people. Someone who never complained, didn't mooch off of me, didn't get fat, and was always willing. It was great. I'd happily do it again.

In fact, I think I am going to tonight.