Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I Demeaned Myself

I don’t know why, but I still had the expectation that the actual act could equate to what I fantasized about.

The girl was older, more experienced, yet still human about it, but it was clearly just another job for her. What rankled about the experience other than the disappointing sex (for reasons stated below) was the “pussyfooting” (no pun intended) around that occurred prior to the act, the pretence of actual interest. Yet that could be a sign of my masculine orientation, direct and to the point. It may also have something to do with the country I’m in presently.

I mean the actual act itself is merely a form of exercise…yet as much as I reduced it down to its physical limits, I still denied that I had the expectation of sexual chemistry. Going into it with this expectation, conscious or not, rendered the whole act unsatisfying. It was really quite mechanical, we entered the room, got naked and got to business, but the actual act it self just lacked a certain polarity. I mean the energy with which we went about it was almost the same as washing the car.

I’m no Casanova and I’m sure it comes across in how I write but I must admit that sex as an act can not just be reduced to its physical components, there has to be an element of sexual attraction but, then I can only speak for myself, to do otherwise would be arrogant and patronizing.

It may just be that my issue is that I lack a horribly traumatic past or experience that renders my sexual expectations quite low, such that I can merely desire it as a form of exercise, much like another man may favour swimming over running.

I understand with sudden clarity why many women and some men are against the practice, much like I understand people’s objections towards drug use. In particular, the charge that prostitution demeans women but I must admit, that I felt like I demeaned myself, bartering with this woman like I would over a cloth shirt. In essence, if I demean another person what does that act imply about my own character?

And I don’t mean, “what do people think about what I did?”, I’m referring to my own self-image, I feel like I lowered my standards for myself, not by paying for the services of a prostitute but by haggling over the price of the service. As it stands, I don’t regret utilizing the service of a prostitute, as I’ve learnt more than a single lesson, through just one act but I can honestly admit that I sincerely doubt I’d procure such services again.